Posts Tagged ‘Swearing’

Why not put your feet up!

February 22, 2010

Well it seemed like I’d never get here, but it’s done. I will admit to being somewhat remiss in my weekly posts of late. Some of this of course can be put down to my incumbent child, that still sits lazily within me point blankly refusing to emerge. I have even taken to going to sleep at night, with a saucer of milk positioned at the foot of my bed, in the hope of luring them out but alas to no avail.

But the real reason for my apparent tardiness has been the sheer workload volume that greeted my return in the New Year, something I am only now beginning to get a handle on. I have sacrificed much these last few weeks, besides this column, from my weekly limbo dancing classes through to a series of reconciliatory ‘dates’ with my ex-wife who had left me, because she felt I was married more to my work than her.

Still, now that I can kick back a little and relax, I am relieved she has stopped leaving me abusive voicemail messages – that woman could always string an impressive amount of profanities together when pushed!

If anything, I have been working so hard these last few weeks, I now find myself at something of a loss as to what to do when I get to the laboratory of a morning. Things rarely pick up till late afternoon, so have found myself increasingly passing the time, with idle activity and practice – for instance I’ve taken to juggling with conical flasks, and also am learning to identify different types of acid, merely by taste.


I guess that’s why they call it the blues…

June 10, 2009


Below forms the observations from an experiment I embarked upon this week:

Monday, 9am
Perpetually interested in pushing human tolerance to its utmost limits, I’m about to try a new mood swing suppressant called Karma, an appalling play on the word ‘calmer’ and complete misuse of the word karma – unless one of its side effects is to harm those who have harmed you. Not sure, I never read the small print. Having said that, I never read instructions on anything. So I’m assuming the dosage is the average twice a day, one capful I suppose. Or possibly two capfuls, once a day. Anyway, minor details. I thought I would be an interesting test subject for such a trial, seeing as I don’t ever recall suffering from any moods. So here goes…wish me luck! [glug, glug, glug]

Now I’m well known to occasionally be a — VERY IMPATIENT MAN!! And this stupid FUCKING drug has done very, so incredibly LITTLE to calm (CALM!?) — my troubled, deeply enigmatic, some might even say genius mind into a — GAH! Will that infernal bitch of a cleaner woman ever STOP THE GOD DAMN HOOVERING?! — more peaceful and relaxed, mmmm, serene state of – shit, what’s the point of anything?

I’m so sorry. I really must apologise. I’ve just re-read my ramblings and bad language. How purile, vulgar, disgusting of me, ME a Professor. My brother, who is a linguist, not to mention my peers, will be utterly ashamed of me. I might as well give up now, everything. I’ll have to sell my shares in the institute. Move away, far far away from here. I can start again. Yeah, it’ll be fiiiiine. Maybe my wife will take me back? Please forgive me, please. I — really must DANCE!

OK. STOP-right-there Human. That was. Very odd, I. Actually, what happened? All I know is that I am now sweating like Nick Griffin, my knees really hurt and reading my notes back, none of them make any sense. Also I’ve just glanced at the dosage on the bottle which mentions 2 drops of Karma should be mixed in with a glass of water. Might explain some of the — I feel really cold, brrr. Where’s the sun gone? It’s usually in the sky isn’t it? Where is it!? Bloody hell, seriously, where is the sun??! Oh there it is!! It was behind me all along, naughty sun. Hah! Wait a minute. There are now 2 suns. Hold on, 4-7-12 suns! Why are there 12 suns!!?!!

Nope, just the one sun again. Phew.

I think I’m going to lay off this stuff until it’s been properly tested on…other people. I trust, however, that the manufacturers of Karma will benefit from my short but courageous experiment. Live and learn people. Next, I plan on sampling an apparent cure for H1N1 influenza (Swine Flu) from the people who brought us Domestos.

All in the aid of Science!