Posts Tagged ‘Science’

Can’t we talk about something else?

April 29, 2010

It has come to my attention of recent that I might be BORING some people. That my only chosen topic of conversation is Science, and that I find it difficult to converse with people regards absolutely any other subject matter.

The simple fact is of course, that I don’t fill my brain with the inane things that seems to make up a large part of most ordinary peoples heads.

I don’t watch TV. I don’t watch films. I don’t read fictional books. I rarely listen to music. I can’t and won’t cook. I don’t spend hours worshipping some false God. I wear the same set of clothes constantly (much like Einstein I believe you will find – however I have one over him, instead of a wardrobe full of the same set of clothes I have limited myself to one set and one set only, to restrict absolutely any chance of wasting precious brain power on choosing one pair of identical shoes over the other).

The great discoveries of humankind aren’t made by idiots who spend half their time watching the X-Talent. Anyone who is a regular reader of my blog knows that I value Science above and beyond anything. Frankly to make conversation about ANY other subject would be a waste of yours and my time.

This has in the past undoubtedly lead to my somewhat solitary existence. I tolerate fellow academics (at best) and am not above admitting that the number of lovers I have performed upon count less than fifty.

As an aside I find the term ‘lover’ one to be grossly inaccurate, certainly in relation to myself. I love science of course, that is a given. But have never considered myself a ‘lover’ of women. I prefer any partners I take to think of me more as their ‘sexer’ – a far more appropriate, and accurate description.

So anyone wishing to hear me pass comment on politics, sports events or popular culture – I can be no help – I have nothing to bring to the table on any of the above. However, should you wish to tell me, for example that – the human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year, well then there we have a subject matter I can engage in!

Ah science, my wonderful muse…


The Adventures of Grandmaster Human and the Wheels of Steel!

October 13, 2009


It may come as something of a surprise for you to learn that I am not always all about ‘the science’.

Now don’t get me wrong – I recognise just how important it is the work I do. Both in helping, not only further understand ourselves but also, that person standing over there. However I should put emphasis on just how important it is to be able to relax and enjoy some down time too.

 When I first started out on the path toward scientific greatness, I was all about the work. I worked every hour there was – and well also some there weren’t. And my hard graft has certainly been key in some part, to my success, and my being able to build the Human Institute. But for those first few years work saw me go without weekends, bank holidays, public holidays, ‘religious’ holidays. And only at the point of collapse, at the point of complete and utter physical exhaustion – and unfortunately also at the point when I was in charge of dosage quantities for a new test drug on live volunteers, that I realised that I was going to have to find a more even balance between work and rest. 

Indeed ever since ‘the accident’ I look back now with some sense of relief – that those people didn’t give up their lives in vain. Were it not for them I would not have the balance I enjoy so much now in my day to day routine.

So you’re probably asking how does a Scientist and Professor of my esteemed standing go about relaxing. Well the answer is…dance.


I may have the appearance of a bespectacled, rather bookish, though still virulently handsome laboratory type – but I am also something of a dynamite mover! This can be traced back in part to my childhood. Much like the celebrated child retard figure of Billy Elliott I harboured a desire to light up the stages of the world as a prima ballerina. My promising career was cut short early however by my father – a much more practical man who demanded I follow him into the familial tradition of science. (A strange request at the time being that neither family on either side of my parents had ever shown the slightest inclination for the sciences.) Indeed my father’s father was a celebrated theatrical actor and they rarely spoke to each other. If you tried to push my father on the subject he would claim that my grandfather taught at the European Academy of Science in Vienna and had invented gravity.

Of course now in my later years I recognise the folly of my youth – there is no question had I pursued a course into ballet I would, as my father warned, have become a homosexual. And it was only fitting that my childhood dreams be crushed at such a forever mentally scarring early age that I should eventually find my true calling.  

But now in recent years – and far from the ever present shadow of my father – I have discovered the joy once more in throwing yourself round like a loon to a percussive one two beat. After all – all work and no play makes Charles a very lonely boy…

I am Scientist

August 26, 2009


Whilst I have no issue with being one of the foremost scientific authorities in the UK – I do tire somewhat of the constant media attention that someone in my position inevitably attracts. Despite what many may think, the celebrity – which is an obvious by product of my superior brain – was never my ultimate goal. Yes I appreciate that much like the greats of my field, Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Johnny Ball it is something we have to bear as testament to our intellect still nonetheless it would seem that I am to have an opinion all things science and science related and am regularly courted by the national press to comment on any latest development in my field.

Maybe people haven’t stopped to consider at times that there might actually be certain areas of science that I really couldn’t give two hoots about. Take for instance social sciences. I’m sorry but to be honest if it doesn’t involve a test tube, laboratory or white coat – I really don’t see how it can be labelled a TRUE science. I see little to be gained in standing around observing the social groupings of various individuals. If it doesn’t fit under a microscope I don’t want to know about it!  I earnt my professorship through hard graft, study and vast amounts of artifical stimulants.

There is also much to be said for real world practical experience, rather than having your head buried in a book twenty-four seven. Hence here at the institute I often tear up students text books if I find them trying to ‘sneak a peek’ during lectures. They are of course then charged for the books replacement.

Now look – I don’t pretend to be better than most. In fact I don’t pretend at all, I simply am. But as of now, Charles Human is closed to questioning of any kind, be it science or otherwise. You’re just going to have to work it out on your own!

Who do you think you are?!!

July 16, 2009


I like music as much as the next man. In small doses. Every so often. And I appreciate it may, possibly have some kind of vague medicinal (or at least placebo) qualities for those that feel they need it to cope with certain aspects of life. But when a band comes along and all of a sudden claims to be the undisputed experts in global pandemic viral situations such as the current spread H1N1 strain of flu or “swine flu”, I really do get all hot and bothered!

Yes, I’m not disputing that their music may have had calming and mentally healing effects on their no doubt massive fan base. But what makes “The WHO” believe that they’re also scientific health professionals, I’ll never understand. I’ve heard of Doctor Who and the good work he does around the world but he clearly knows his stuff and has been through the 6 years medical school to earn his qualifications, trust and respect. But these people are musicians for crying out loud!

Day in, day out, everywhere I look, I keep reading about their “recommendations” and “precautionary measures” that we should be following to avoid the spread of this virus.

I haven’t taken the time to listen to ANY of their music but I suppose I can assume they even try to preach such health advice in their lyrics? Maybe someone reading can confirm or dispute this.

But until they provide hard, solid, factual proof that their advice is in anyway useful, I intend to ignore every suggestion they publish. I mean how can we begin to trust the advice of any individual or group who doesn’t even sound sure of their own name?