Posts Tagged ‘baby’

What a load of COX

March 31, 2010

Who in the name of Darwin is this overnight science sensation??!

This-this-this…Brian Cox.

Where has he come from? I follow everyone, EVERYONE, in the science world closely. Some extremely closely, and consequently have a few pending restraining orders to show for it. But this Brian COX figure has literally materialized from nowhere. One minute, there I was (me, Professor Charles HUMAN) together with a few of the usual suspects – leading the UK if not the world in scientific observations, discussions and elaborate experiments, our collective faces etched in the zeitgeist, like a modern day Mount Rushmore only in the UK, probably Dover somewhere – the next minute, a young SPERM of a professor surfaces and all of a sudden is heralded as the next best thing in the science world: flavour of the year by the looks of it, at least with the B-B-Bloody-C. I don’t know if this sudden detraction from REAL science is linked to a recent bout of criticism directed towards my apparently ‘unnecessary’ experiments – for example, my successful training of a chimpanzee to photocopy, fax and collate documents was mocked in the February issue of “Live Science 2010” – or last week when I produced a tasty new cheese using rabbit’s milk, nobody showed the slightest interest (except Tesco’s who have yet to reply).

Anyway, as for COX, I’ve yet to see the little pre-pubescent fellow demonstrate anything of scientific value…to me anyway. We’ll see what the future brings – only time will tell… (unless he plans to reinvent that too!!)

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Some kind of congratulations are in order!

March 1, 2010

Perhaps it’s the fact that I currently have my very own brood residing within – being that I am not usually the sentimental type – however I could hardly let this moment pass.

Congratulations to my work colleague Dave, and his wife Laura, on the birth of their new baby daughter Maya. She was delivered at 1530 on Saturday 27th February and came in at a whopping 9lb 1oz. I didn’t deliver her myself, despite my offering – for some reason Laura doesn’t appear to trust me!

Still I look forward to welcoming their healthy new test subject to the institute within the next week, I already have her cage on standby.

Code RED.

January 25, 2010

I don’t know how this could have happened, but it seems that I, Professor Charles Human – professor, doctor, scientist, MAN – am pregnant.

Well, actually I DO roughly know how it happened. It was the end product of a series of stupid, purile, drunken experiments, conducted and goaded on by my peers. The evening started off quite amicably. I remember we were discussing the scientific probability that one day it would be possible for a man to become pregnant (a real man, not some ex-woman, post-op with a goatie). Then I vaguely remember me suggesting why not make that day today! Idiot. After being kicked out of our club at closing time (or possibly for shouting), raiding the nearby off-licence for their last case of Scotch, I recall we headed back to my institute feeling the night was still young. The rest is hazy. There was lots of alcohol. Then ethanol. I remember Dawkins trying to a call for a stripper (at 3am!) – as if that was going to help. Every time we go out, he tries to order a bloody stripper. He even did it once when we all went to theatre. The man is tit mad. Anyway, as I say I can’t remember much beyond that. There were tubes….vaseline…scalpels, and I think Hawkings raided the cryogenic store for something as I saw the poor janitor having to clear up broken glass nearby this morning. I don’t remember any pain. In fact I do recall a great deal of laughter and possibly cigars. But the evidence is there on my lower abdomen – surprisingly neat stitches. And what could be a cigar burn. When I saw my body in the mirror this morning, I suspected another practical joke from the boys – I knew Hawkings wanted to get his own back on me for pushing him down the steps at Waterloo station. So I thought maybe they’d stitched a clock or my wallet inside me again. But this was far more serious.

Buggeration. This has all kinds of implications for me. The main one being I’m going to have a baby. It’s definitely happening. I’ve just discarded the 27th ‘YOU ARE PREGNANT’ pregnancy test. At least I don’t have to worry about telling the father. As that’s me too. Just got the conclusive DNA test back from the lab, covered in smiley, laughing faces of course.

On the positive side, this adventure will provide a unique insight into the male side of pregnancy. I’ll still post my regular blogs on all things human and science, but I will occasionally also post dedicated blogs on this new point in my life. There’s lots to talk about obviously. A great deal for me to think about. I’m going to keep it, there’s no question of that. In the critical interests of science, human nature, historical significance and also because my ex-wife always wanted one and when she finds out, she’ll be livid. Ha! Plus you get £190 from the government – simply for getting up the duff.

I will of course deliver the baby myself. I just don’t trust anyone else. I’ll perform a Caesarean section under a local anaesthetic – whereas I am usually against such artificial means of bringing a child into the world, I am equally fond of my penis and fear that, following the evacuation of an infant through it, the old boy will closer resemble a recently vacated sleeping bag.

The really odd thing is, after less than 24 hours my stomach seems to already be slightly larger. Admittedly this could be down to the whole chicken I consumed for breakfast – strange craving I had at 7am, I simply couldn’t deny my body it and was almost breaking down the door to Sainsburys. Gave the fella on the rotisserie counter quite a shock as I gorged on the roast poultry in front of him. I also bought some spares in case I am overcome by a similar urge tomorrow.

Anyway, I had to blog my initial reaction to this news but now I must dash – feeling queasy and need the loo again! (eleventh time in the last hour)