Archive for April, 2010

Can’t we talk about something else?

April 29, 2010

It has come to my attention of recent that I might be BORING some people. That my only chosen topic of conversation is Science, and that I find it difficult to converse with people regards absolutely any other subject matter.

The simple fact is of course, that I don’t fill my brain with the inane things that seems to make up a large part of most ordinary peoples heads.

I don’t watch TV. I don’t watch films. I don’t read fictional books. I rarely listen to music. I can’t and won’t cook. I don’t spend hours worshipping some false God. I wear the same set of clothes constantly (much like Einstein I believe you will find – however I have one over him, instead of a wardrobe full of the same set of clothes I have limited myself to one set and one set only, to restrict absolutely any chance of wasting precious brain power on choosing one pair of identical shoes over the other).

The great discoveries of humankind aren’t made by idiots who spend half their time watching the X-Talent. Anyone who is a regular reader of my blog knows that I value Science above and beyond anything. Frankly to make conversation about ANY other subject would be a waste of yours and my time.

This has in the past undoubtedly lead to my somewhat solitary existence. I tolerate fellow academics (at best) and am not above admitting that the number of lovers I have performed upon count less than fifty.

As an aside I find the term ‘lover’ one to be grossly inaccurate, certainly in relation to myself. I love science of course, that is a given. But have never considered myself a ‘lover’ of women. I prefer any partners I take to think of me more as their ‘sexer’ – a far more appropriate, and accurate description.

So anyone wishing to hear me pass comment on politics, sports events or popular culture – I can be no help – I have nothing to bring to the table on any of the above. However, should you wish to tell me, for example that – the human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year, well then there we have a subject matter I can engage in!

Ah science, my wonderful muse…

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I’m still here. If just not in the AIR!

April 19, 2010


I understand your concern. I have been offline and it has been some three weeks now since my last post. And in a time of crisis such as this, who would I ask are you most likely to turn to? A government dissolved so they can beat a campaign trail in search of your vote, gurning occasionally from your TV screen. The very sight of David Cameron on last weeks first televisual debate, where the topic of science I noted was not bought up once – and they want my vote – was enough to make me smash my TV to pieces. Bag it up, ┬átake the car, and dispose of its electrical remains over a bridge, to the bottom of a watery grave.

But in this dark hour, with the Earth its very self turning against us, who of course do they all turn to for an answer. It’s not an amateur like Brian Cox I’ll tell you that much. So it may come as little surprise to you, that my absence from this regular posting board has been because my presence has been required abroad – at the very heart of our current ecological and geological phenomenon, affecting so much of the country.

Indeed I have spent the last three weeks in Ecuador, studying a large ant migration in the Amazon basin and whether inducing some with small dosages of alcohol, will in any way affect or limit their progress. I am sure your in agreement how you might see that research such as this has incalculable value to human understanding of our planet.

In fact it has cost me quite a few tax payers pounds to ensure that I can keep planes illegally in the sky to import more alcohol from the UK out to me here in South America. What with that volcano thing happening over in Iceland it is costing me a fortune in bribes!

Still science marches on…