Making Human

Well, I’ve reached the end of week 2 of my pregnancy. Being a man, I am experiencing a strange and unpleasant clash of hormones. For instance yesterday afternoon, I was getting quite irate with a work laptop because it wouldn’t eject a disc and was about to kick it. But then from nowhere I burst into tears. This would have been bearable if I’d been alone but it happened during one of the largest lectures I’ve given this year to a hall full of some 200 undergraduates. I had to excuse myself and ran out sobbing.

My cravings this week have included watermelon, saffron, garibaldi biscuits, pine (nordic), cillit bang, banana (skins) and tongue sandwiches – not all at once thankfully! Oh and yesterday I was unusually ravenous and was about to order some pizzas but ended up being satisfied by consuming the menu itself, which saved £70. But sadly I was then sick everywhere and had to get a Chinese banquet delivered in the end.

The growing human in my lower abdomen area has already grown considerably and starting to make itself known to me – I confess to feeling the butterfly type movements that so many women go on about when ‘up the duff’. But after one week? Something seems a bit odd. It’s all going a bit fast and because I don’t recall the conception, I have no way of ascertaining the precise factors that could have affected the gestation process. I’ve been leaving messages on Hawkings and Dawkins phones to quiz them further and get to the bottom of it all but they’ve yet to return my phonecalls and just keep texting me laughing faces and “:-D” symbols. One of them must remember something! Bastards!!

Sorry, there go my emotions again…
Bye for now,
love PCH


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