Volunteers wanted for [FREE]!

It’s getting as though a scientist can’t even perform a simple genetic experiment nowadays! I remember when people would readily give up their time – sometimes even their lives, all for the good of science.

And before that, there was always the good old days when we could use animals. I recall with great fondness, the first frog I dissected. The first cat I electrocuted. The first panda I gassed. These were heady, carefree times – when it wasn’t unknown for the lab to occasionally descend into the odd ‘animal organ’ fight! But of course, someone always has to come along and spoil all the fun. Before we knew it we couldn’t even swat a fly, let alone open up an elephant, without the RSPCA or so similarly cretinous group coming down on us.

So with drugs to test, experiments that still needed to be carried out, it was that we turned to our fellow man. Something I had coincidentally been at the forefront of, using as I was humans to test my ultimately unsuccessful range in pet cosmetics.

Still there proved to be a plentiful number of volunteers who were only too happy to help their friendly neighbourhood scientist. They weren’t paid though. We aren’t made of money. What little funds and grants we have are always ploughed straight back into our work, and the occasional field trip to Thorpe Park.

So it was this week that I put a perfectly innocent advert up in the free paper, ADVANCED SCIENCE and POTTERY, asking for a large group of volunteers to assist us here at the Human Institute. I require some 200 people for an experiment I wish to conduct, and was most pleased to find an immediate and enthusiastic response to the advert from willing, jobless layabouts. However, since then I have been contacted by a interfering local MP who demand I at least pay something called minimum wage. Now I wasn’t about to pay these volunteers (or at least the survivors) nothing. Indeed I had considered a last meal and a token payment for, I don’t know, a pound perhaps, to at least cover their bus fare home more than generous. Apparently not.

So once again, as I finish writing this, I am forced to head out  and round up some of the homeless and lost. Where did I put my hammer?


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