Working Up North


Well as you may have surmised I haven’t returned to London just yet. Indeed after my Scottish bound Wedding last Wednesday (it was a disaster I might add – I was sat at the table for the reception with most of the older relatives of the bride, all of whom failed to comprehend any of my even simplistic conversational topics about basic quantum physics when applied to Newton’s theorem. I think the lady sitting next to me may have even been dead – certainly she didn’t protest when I helped myself to a second slice of pudding by taking hers). I digress – but it was only as I was boarding the train back to the nation’s capital, that suddenly my mobile phone was summoning me to none other than Newcastle Upon Tyne. Not my actual phone you understand but the person on the other end.

Up until this point I had never been to Newcastle, indeed I have managed for the larger part of my life to avoid ever going any further north than Luton. But a former star student was in need of help and who was I to turn down such an offer. I should mention that I am Charles Human – and so of course turned him down without hesitation. However I was told there was a free meal in it, and was duly pulling into the station before you could utter the charming Northern phrase ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’.

The student in question was embarking on an ambitious research programme to examine the social grouping and movements of the hordes of young revellers that regularly descend on this city’s centre of a weekend. As many of you are probably aware – and as I pointed out to him, I have always considered social science to not really count – and I can never truly take seriously someone who bills themself as a social scientist. We would often laugh and throw things at Social science students when I was but a young student myself.

Still upon observing the myriad of bodies and their sometimes attached faces that would pour out of the doors of pubs and nightclubs here, usually with next to nothing on, bar the lining of their stomaches now bought up for all to see, I was intrigued to see for myself how the various groups interacted. I wondered if I were to place myself amongst them, would these barely dressed barely adult creatures throw themselves at a rakish, handsome, but distinguished science professor who had failed to copulate at a recent wedding.

In the name of science I am off to find out. I may be some time…


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