I’m on my way up to Scotland to attend a friend’s wedding. Ah, marriage. I remember it well. For many it’s the celebration of human unification, the joining of two souls to become a greater whole. For me it was the biggest mistake of my life.

That woman, who shall remain unnamed, made my life hell from the second I said ‘I do’. It truly was the most professional deception in history and one in which I was the sole victim.

Prior to the wedding, it was all “You’re the greatest Charlie, I’d do anything for you. You complete me!” Blah-blah-blah. Damn it, I really hate being called Charlie. Then without warning it was ‘Do this, do that, fix this, fix that, take me here, pick me up from there, wear this, stop wearing that, grow this, stop growing that, bend over, rub this, hold these, cough, stand up straight, stop slouching, run…faster, faster!” ENOUGH WOMAN!!

As you know from previous blogs, we have since parted company. We came to an arrangement whereby we communicate once a year over the telephone, but using morse code. I confess to becoming even bored by this infrequent exchange and one year I left an active heart monitor on the other end of the line, while she blabbed away about her new Greek lover (or possibly her mother’s illness, I’m not an expert in morse code unfortunately).

Aside from these depressingly negative comments, I would thoroughly recommend marriage and just because I utterly regret mine it doesn’t mean yours will also be a seemingly bottomless pit of misery. So if you find yourself in a ‘do I?’ quandary, then I say go for it. Apart from possibly your sanity, your social circle of friends, TV remote, independence, enthusiastic outlook on life and your credit rating, you’ve got nothing to lose.


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