So Wrong!


Today, I thought it would be useful for many of you to get a glimpse of what I teach in my institute. Admittedly it’s a bit of self promotion, but web advertising costs have gone through the roof recently and budget cuts in the institute mean I have to take what I can. And it’s less humiliating than standing around in shopping centre wearing a penis-shaped costume handing out promotional leaflets, which is how I spent last weekend.

The following lecture came about following one average morning’s drive to work. My car radio jammed on ‘Smooth FM’ and I consequently happened upon a song by a band known as The Corrs called ‘So Young’. I couldn’t believe my ears. For how long had such nonsense been piping out to the masses? I was so appalled by its wild preachings and irrational claims that I pulled over the car to make notes for a soon-to-be smash hit lecture, which seems to become more and more popular each year I hold it.

Lecture #342 – A deconstruction & analysis of The Corrs’ song So Young

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
We are taking it easy


PCH: Fine, I do too sometimes – once or twice a year.

Bright and breezy, yeah
We are living it up
Just fine and dandy, yeah


PCH: That’s all fine, no problem with those claims or pastimes – go ahead ladies, live it up!!

Now, on to the problem area…

And it really doesn’t matter that we don’t eat…


PCH: Yes it does ladies, YES-it-does. If for some reckless reason, you decide to stop eating, after around 32 hours your stomach will start to ingest itself and you’ll be dead within 10 days. Of course if you stop drinking too, that’s a different matter, and you’ll be a corpse within just 2 days.

And it really doesn’t matter if we never sleep…  

No it really doesn’t matter, really doesn’t matter at all


PCH: Well part of me agrees with this (see my previous blog on sleep deprivation) but if like yourselves ladies, you are very beautiful, then you can not expect to maintain such good looks and will become increasingly grouchy as the time goes on. The next thing you know, you’ll be threatening to kill someone just for pinching your seat on the train. It really is quite an unpleasant experience and I don’t recommend it.

Coz we are so young now, we are so young, so young now
And when tommorow comes, we can do it all again


PCH: This can not be true, nobody can be that young. Unless somehow you have pipped me to the post in finessing the first functional safe, non-destructive time machine. If you mean you can do things exactly the same as you did from one day to the next, then all manner of environmental and emotional factors will prevent such occurrences. Sorry to be a party pooper.


We are chasin’ the moon


PCH: You can try but you’ll be there all night, again trust me – been there, tried that.


Just running wild and free


PCH: No problem, this is really good fun actually and I can highly recommend it, around dusk. But please be aware, I am in no way condoning or encouraging madness.

We are following through
Every dream and every need

PCH: Fine to chase your dreams, but to actually follow them through could be very hazardous practice. I did once in 1988 when I dreamt of making friends with a bear. The whole episode left me in intensive care for 4 days, and a permanent scar on my forehead and left buttock (right, if you’re behind me – like he was). As for following through every need, depending on your definition of ‘need’, this can also lead to wanton destruction of the body as Matthew Haines demonstrated in 1994 when one morning, unemployed and left completely to his own devices, he killed himself after 5½ solid hours of masturbation. A messy but valuable lesson to us all.

The song then somewhat cheaply repeats itself (surely such songs should be half price?). So there you have it. Popular culture is all very well and good but when it dares to cross the borders of scientific fact, I’ll be there every time to defend the truth.

Class dismissed.


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