Like Father, Like Shit.


It was reported recently by New Scientist that children who resemble and smell like their father will receive more love, attention and support from him compared to those who don’t. This might seem very unfair but it’s a fact to which I can sadly testify. I didn’t look like my father at all, with his dazzling blonde hair, radiant blue eyes, his overwhelming scent of rusty nails and of course his enormous knees. To compensate, I often tried to mimic him in order to receive more love: I developed a pseudo twitch, coughed using his exact bronchial pattern and even once measured the precise dB level of his frequent belching, so that I could replicate. Not one of these techniques worked I’m sorry to say. Much like 90% of mammals, my father’s investment in me ended with his ejaculation into my mother. He now lives on the other side of the world, somewhere in Belgium I think, where I’m told he continues his lifelong research paper: “Why bees buzz”. Many times I tried to gently suggest that the buzzing noise was likely to be caused by the bees’ wings rubbing together at tremendous speed but when I did he would always smack me really hard around the legs and shout “Insolent cretin child! Bees don’t have wings! Only angels have wings! And some dogs.” He had lost most of his mind by the time I was 18. But some things stick with you forever, and even today I confess to unconsciously flinching each time I hear an approaching Zzzzzz…


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