Archive for June, 2009

Everyday is like Sunday.

June 28, 2009


For many the weekend is a time to relax and unwind after a hard week of work (unless of course you find you have the misfortune of being unemployed – then really days all tend to blend into one, the weekend having little meaning other than being two more days where you have failed).

As a busy Scientist I will often put in that little bit more overtime to achieve all that I require of my week – and so it is I find myself sitting here – the evening drawing in – but still at work on what is nominally a Sunday. It is claimed that Sunday reflects the day that ‘God’ himself rested after a busy six days of ‘creating’ the Universe. I do question why a supposedly omnipotent being would need to have a ‘break’. And if the Universe was then created what did he do when he returned back to work the following Monday?

Sunday is effectively a non-day. And as such I have long stopped recognising it as an official part of the human calendar – this is why school terms at the Human Institute are a third shorter than most regular colleges. It takes some time for students to adjust, but I also find it sorts the wheat from the chaff.

One of my many side projects is a complete reworking of the measuring of time and how to record it. I have long suspected that our current calendar is woefully inaccurate and beyond my eliminating ‘Sundays’ from my schedule hope to finalise an age for the Earth – the moment I have completed my formula for the statistical probability of cats landing on their feet when dropped from a succession of increasingly higher points.


Like Father, Like Shit.

June 22, 2009


It was reported recently by New Scientist that children who resemble and smell like their father will receive more love, attention and support from him compared to those who don’t. This might seem very unfair but it’s a fact to which I can sadly testify. I didn’t look like my father at all, with his dazzling blonde hair, radiant blue eyes, his overwhelming scent of rusty nails and of course his enormous knees. To compensate, I often tried to mimic him in order to receive more love: I developed a pseudo twitch, coughed using his exact bronchial pattern and even once measured the precise dB level of his frequent belching, so that I could replicate. Not one of these techniques worked I’m sorry to say. Much like 90% of mammals, my father’s investment in me ended with his ejaculation into my mother. He now lives on the other side of the world, somewhere in Belgium I think, where I’m told he continues his lifelong research paper: “Why bees buzz”. Many times I tried to gently suggest that the buzzing noise was likely to be caused by the bees’ wings rubbing together at tremendous speed but when I did he would always smack me really hard around the legs and shout “Insolent cretin child! Bees don’t have wings! Only angels have wings! And some dogs.” He had lost most of his mind by the time I was 18. But some things stick with you forever, and even today I confess to unconsciously flinching each time I hear an approaching Zzzzzz…

I guess that’s why they call it the blues…

June 10, 2009


Below forms the observations from an experiment I embarked upon this week:

Monday, 9am
Perpetually interested in pushing human tolerance to its utmost limits, I’m about to try a new mood swing suppressant called Karma, an appalling play on the word ‘calmer’ and complete misuse of the word karma – unless one of its side effects is to harm those who have harmed you. Not sure, I never read the small print. Having said that, I never read instructions on anything. So I’m assuming the dosage is the average twice a day, one capful I suppose. Or possibly two capfuls, once a day. Anyway, minor details. I thought I would be an interesting test subject for such a trial, seeing as I don’t ever recall suffering from any moods. So here goes…wish me luck! [glug, glug, glug]

Now I’m well known to occasionally be a — VERY IMPATIENT MAN!! And this stupid FUCKING drug has done very, so incredibly LITTLE to calm (CALM!?) — my troubled, deeply enigmatic, some might even say genius mind into a — GAH! Will that infernal bitch of a cleaner woman ever STOP THE GOD DAMN HOOVERING?! — more peaceful and relaxed, mmmm, serene state of – shit, what’s the point of anything?

I’m so sorry. I really must apologise. I’ve just re-read my ramblings and bad language. How purile, vulgar, disgusting of me, ME a Professor. My brother, who is a linguist, not to mention my peers, will be utterly ashamed of me. I might as well give up now, everything. I’ll have to sell my shares in the institute. Move away, far far away from here. I can start again. Yeah, it’ll be fiiiiine. Maybe my wife will take me back? Please forgive me, please. I — really must DANCE!

OK. STOP-right-there Human. That was. Very odd, I. Actually, what happened? All I know is that I am now sweating like Nick Griffin, my knees really hurt and reading my notes back, none of them make any sense. Also I’ve just glanced at the dosage on the bottle which mentions 2 drops of Karma should be mixed in with a glass of water. Might explain some of the — I feel really cold, brrr. Where’s the sun gone? It’s usually in the sky isn’t it? Where is it!? Bloody hell, seriously, where is the sun??! Oh there it is!! It was behind me all along, naughty sun. Hah! Wait a minute. There are now 2 suns. Hold on, 4-7-12 suns! Why are there 12 suns!!?!!

Nope, just the one sun again. Phew.

I think I’m going to lay off this stuff until it’s been properly tested on…other people. I trust, however, that the manufacturers of Karma will benefit from my short but courageous experiment. Live and learn people. Next, I plan on sampling an apparent cure for H1N1 influenza (Swine Flu) from the people who brought us Domestos.

All in the aid of Science!

There can be only ONE!

June 9, 2009


With May and June traditionally being exam time – I always find myself somewhat stretched.

I admit to finding it all rather tiresome, the constant demands for ‘teaching’ and ‘ extra tutition’ that my students invariably call for. So for the last few years I have taken to having these two months off as a small sabbatical.

I usually don’t return until exam season has come well to a close. By then I’m just in time for the Summer holidays and another six weeks off. This year I had been brushing up on my paragliding skills in the French Alps.

And of course, I left a clone of myself to carry on with things in my stead and to mask my absence.

However a cursory glance at this blog in the last 24 hours has caused me to call an abrupt end to my holiday and come back to sort this mess out.

I returned home only this afternoon, to find what I counted as 11 Charles Human’s. Some working in my study, others in my private laboratory and the rest using the trampoline in the back garden.

Imagine my shock too, to find my ‘wife’ Meredith was now back, after having been successfully dispatched to a remote corner of the Scottish Highlands. I found her wrapped around another three clones of myself in the master bedroom, an exhausted but sinister look of contentment on her docile face.  

I wish I could say this is a lesson learned about the dangers of cloning, were it not the fact I had made much the same mistake last year. And so once more I find myself working into the early hours corralling all of the clones together, enticed into a pen with the promise of a debate about the obvious inconsistencies with the periodic table and the missing ‘six’ elements .

Looking down into their confused (but slightly pompous) bespectacled faces, I can’t bring myself to put them out of my misery however.

I have thus sent them half way round the world to a remote island in the South Pacific called Isla Nublar – a fellow scientist has been busy cloning prehistoric wildlife in the region too and so will let them run wild amongst the islands other cloned inhabitants.

Hopefully that will be that with this whole ‘clone’ debacle and normal service will be resumed next week.

However I do urge any members of the public reading this – if you see a rather tall, good looking scholar wearing glasses and sporting a full moustache out and about amongst the general populace to contact me immediately. Under no circumstances should you approach this person and ask them a science related question!