You know…for kids!


It is a well known fact that Britain is in the grip of a nightmare. A nightmare that stands on every corner, outside every school yard, inside every packet of turkey twizzlers.

I am of course talking about the ever escalating amount of paedophiles that now dominate our landscape. And the widespread hysteria that follows every report of a child being assisted across the road by a man with a large ‘lollipop stick’.

You would think that twenty years ago paedophiles didn’t exist!

And you would be right.

For it was, as a struggling undergraduate, working in a Bristol laboratory, in the late seventies, that I was first approached by someone with a problem they thought science could solve. This man, a popular child’s entertainer, had over years of working become numbed to his environment and those around him. Incapable of any sort of emotional feeling towards children he was desperate for some kind of reconnection. And in my youthful arrogance I was only too willing to help.

In my naivete I threw myself into the project without thinking the consequences. For if I had had the foresight to see just how disastrously my experiment might turn, I would have at least kept a proper record of the results and maybe even got two, three papers out of it.

But not unlike Frankenstein, turning his back on the horror of his creation, I rejected the experiment as a failure and I returned to my studies of static electricity on cats.

However like a strange virus that could seemingly only pass between single men aged between 45 to 50 I soon learnt of my work spreading and by then it was seemingly too late. The best I could manage as some means of damage control, but provided for on my meagre science trainee wage were a series of poorly animated commercials during the early eighties about a boy and his cat ‘Charley’.

I tried unsuccessfully to counteract the growing problem in the mid nineties, as I become aware of their ever increasing number, by releasing into the general populous a series of ‘test’ children that would attack if approached, and now these ‘hoodies’ as they’ve been dubbed by some corners of the media terrorise us all.

Sometimes Science just can’t win…


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