Archive for May, 2009

Attack of the CLONES!!!

May 31, 2009


It has now been six days since I created a clone of myself.

Since then that clone has made another.

And between the two of them they have made contact with an earlier clone. One  I had made and posted up in the Highlands of Scotland to extricate myself from a very awkward situation.

There are now so many of me running around I have had to decide the collective noun for myself. At the moment I am going with a Bastard of Charles Humans.

I find that tickets for lectures I was looking forward to attending have already been used.

A photoshoot I was due to take part in of pre-eniment scientists of the modern age may look like it features me, but everytime I look at the picture all I can see is the smug smile of one of my clones staring back out at me.

I also now am in posession of an ‘abso’ for anti-social behaviour at the Natural History Museum. I am led to believe that the giant blue whale in the animal gallery has had to be removed from the exhibit till further notice and suitable restoration work can be implemented.

I am going to have to take drastic action before I find myself completely sidelined by my clones….


Me and them…

May 28, 2009


It has now been three days since I decided to clone myself.

In the subsequent days my Clone has gone and created a second.

Having gone from a desire to lighten my workload I now find that I am being sidelined from almost any activity that would involve myself. I have tried to play my clones at their own game. To think like they think.

Now I am worried…

I have recently learnt that they have made contact with No. 3 in Scotland (my decoy clone for my first wife). I absolutely cannot stand the thought that I may have to have sex with that woman again.

My hope is if she finds out what I have been doing for all these years and how I actually palmed her off on a clone she may be too incensed to consider any type of carnal abandon with me. However you don’t know Meredith…

Two heads are better than one….

May 27, 2009


As you are all aware I am a man of great intellect. I have applied my powerful mind to all manner of scientific practice and invention over the years.

So it isn’t unreasonable then to theorise that any clone of myself would be possessed of the same superior brain. 

I should have seen this coming….

My clone has created another!

I found them both in the kitchen this morning enjoying a filtered black coffee – my morning pick me up of choice. They had neglected to make a third however, and when I came to inspect the coffee jar found it empty. The irony was not lost on me that it had been Clone no. 1 who was supposed to have gone and done the shopping yesterday. I was in danger of the situation spiralling out into some kind of high concept science-fiction comedy farce (were it that I watched such things).

However, initially I had thought, I would embrace this opportunity of having a 2nd clone. It would afford me even more time to private study and recreation and – to be fair – I would have done exactly the same in Clone no. 1’s position.  

Instead I now found myself locked out of my own personal laboratory whilst the two clones claim to be working within. All I can hear is the occasional burst of laughter followed by whispers of hush…

The face looks familiar….

May 25, 2009


The demands on running an institute of Scientific exploration and education can at times be quite exhausting – particularly when one such as myself also commits their time, mind and occasionally body, to so many other pursuits. Even now I found myself with less and less time –  I struggle to keep up with this weekly blog!

So with this in mind it occurred to me the most effective way to go about relieving my current work load was to create a clone of myself. It’s quite a simple process really – in fact I’ve done it once before.  I had found myself in a somewhat awkward marriage of convenience during my last days of University and managed to extricate myself from the situation by creating a clone. They now live in a remote cottage somewhere in the Scottish Highlands, and Number 3 reports back to me at twice yearly intervals.

I put the new Clone to work immediately this week, deciding which tasks I didn’t really want to do myself. There was some protest – he reasoned (quite well I might add) that gifted with the same intellect as myself, he could be put to much better use elsewhere. I  had to remain staunch, aware of what a clever individual I am, I couldn’t let the clone trick me into using him for anything other than the purpose he was grown.

I have however taken to keeping him outside as I find his overall air of superiority quite irritating…..

You know…for kids!

May 14, 2009


It is a well known fact that Britain is in the grip of a nightmare. A nightmare that stands on every corner, outside every school yard, inside every packet of turkey twizzlers.

I am of course talking about the ever escalating amount of paedophiles that now dominate our landscape. And the widespread hysteria that follows every report of a child being assisted across the road by a man with a large ‘lollipop stick’.

You would think that twenty years ago paedophiles didn’t exist!

And you would be right.

For it was, as a struggling undergraduate, working in a Bristol laboratory, in the late seventies, that I was first approached by someone with a problem they thought science could solve. This man, a popular child’s entertainer, had over years of working become numbed to his environment and those around him. Incapable of any sort of emotional feeling towards children he was desperate for some kind of reconnection. And in my youthful arrogance I was only too willing to help.

In my naivete I threw myself into the project without thinking the consequences. For if I had had the foresight to see just how disastrously my experiment might turn, I would have at least kept a proper record of the results and maybe even got two, three papers out of it.

But not unlike Frankenstein, turning his back on the horror of his creation, I rejected the experiment as a failure and I returned to my studies of static electricity on cats.

However like a strange virus that could seemingly only pass between single men aged between 45 to 50 I soon learnt of my work spreading and by then it was seemingly too late. The best I could manage as some means of damage control, but provided for on my meagre science trainee wage were a series of poorly animated commercials during the early eighties about a boy and his cat ‘Charley’.

I tried unsuccessfully to counteract the growing problem in the mid nineties, as I become aware of their ever increasing number, by releasing into the general populous a series of ‘test’ children that would attack if approached, and now these ‘hoodies’ as they’ve been dubbed by some corners of the media terrorise us all.

Sometimes Science just can’t win…

Don’t PANIC!

May 1, 2009


Exam season is upon us once more here at the Human Institute. Many of my students have expressed to me how stressful this period can be for them.  Intrigued by this, and the affects it may have on their exam results, I have set about implementing a number of scenarios to heighten their stress levels even more.

I started simply enough earlier this week. During work in the laboratories – whilst my students were preoccupied with a particularly difficult chemistry experiment, I took the opportunity to slip out of the classroom, whilst one of my assistants released a wild wolverine into the class and locked the door.

Amazingly out of the thirty students locked in, three of them still managed to successfully complete the experiment, and casualities were minimal.

As a side note, however, for all students reading this – the wolverine has proved to be more tenacious than we had expected, and thus for the remainder of the term Chemistry Rm 5B is strictly off limits.