Think you very much!



What happens when we think?

Does our brain change temperature, or colour? Or weight? What sound does it make?

I don’t have the answer to any of these questions I’m afraid – they’re not important anyway and not worth wasting time thinking about. All I know is that I love thinking, and would encourage you to do it at least twice a day as a bare minimum. A lot of people assume, that because I’m a professor I think about super complex things like how to cure cancer or formulate an equation for world peace – nonsense! I’m just like everybody else and think about all sorts of things, from the weather, to where I’m going to ride my new bicycle which I’ve just bought since the last one was callously stolen, and of course what us men are famous for – the age-old, “every 6-seconds” thinking pastime – masturbation.

Try it now…

(thinking, not masturbation)

There, that wasn’t hard was it?

And again…

There you go, you’ve already completed your daily minimum recommendation for thinking. Unless of course, both times you were thinking about “…” (i.e. three full stops), in which case that doesn’t count. Do it again.

Right now, I’m thinking about firing my housecleaner who insists on smashing the vacuum cleaner into every single piece of furniture in my house (but I can’t be too harsh on her as she more than makes up for it in the bathing department). Of course by the time you read these words, I’ll no doubt be thinking about something entirely different – if you believe clichés then it’s probably about sex. Actually this is not true for me, don’t get me wrong I do think of sex, just not every six seconds – I prefer to save those kinds of thoughts and have them consecutively in one extended pleasurable session, usually around 10.30pm-1.30am, most evenings.

So where are all the thoughts that we have in a day stored? Well the truth is they’re archived away in a part of the brain known as the “think tank”. Each section of this think tank has its own unique access key. The danger is, as we get older and our brain starts to deteriorate, we lose the key to some of these doors and they stay permanently locked, never to be re-opened. Unless, like me, you plan to be cryogenically frozen and future scientists are able to open the rooms with some kind of master skeleton key.

I think therefore I am – that was a notion I came up with recently (and would like to be remembered for) during a conversation with my fellow scientists at our weekly club gathering, in order to accentuate a point I was trying to make. Everyone agreed with me until I wanted to take credit for the phrase, when they all started laughing. Arseholes.

Thinking is a Darwin-given right and we should all be able to do it freely. You may have heard of the “thought police” but don’t worry – apparently, so I was told recently, they don’t exist. Some fiction writer’s idea of a joke! Well he’s dead now, so the last laugh is on him as he’s not thinking anything right now. So go ahead, think what you like, while you still can. After all, imagine a world where all human thought ceased to be?

Best not to think about it.


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