Don’t forget!


Speaking of which, my memory used to be the best in the business. Not only was I able to recall every element of the periodic table (backwards), but I could also recite every word of Darwin’s Origin of Species, including the bibliography and copyright information. I was even once scheduled to appear on ITV’s You Bet! to do just that but got bumped in favour of a disabled child in a wheelchair who had a brain big enough to remember, I dunno, maybe 20 number plates. Wow, clever boy! I mean honestly, that truly is political correctness gone loco. If I had been allowed to demonstrate my recollection skills, the world may have learnt something. Instead, they were subjected to the alphanumerical ramblings of a child who’d won their hearts simply because he couldn’t move his legs. Well, neither can I most Friday nights.

I used to be able to remember being a baby and could recall my first spoken word – antidisestablishmentarianism. It was either that or ‘bum’. I can’t remember now. And that’s the problem. I fear at the ripe young age of 48, I fear my memory is already starting to fade, I fear. Just last week, I was crossing the road when….no, no, it’s gone. Damn it, I can’t even remember what was the first sign of memory loss. Wait! I- no, damn it.

Many everyday factors can have a serious effect memory. Alcohol consumption, drug abuse, smoking, stress. All of these can improve memory. They say oily fish and regular exercise can help repair damaged brain cells – this is true, but they never specify which brain cells it helps. And I can tell you now. It’s the ones responsible for producing pubic hair. And for me now, I can assure you that is absolutely pointless.

Fortunately I still remember the imperative things in life: my first love, my name, where I work, my PIN letter, how to eat, my name, what foods I like, which alcoholic drinks I need daily, even some of my staff’s names. So all is far from lost, thankfully.

But in the modern age, we are dangerously starting to depend on ‘memory aids’. The shopping list is an age-old example of this. Fine. But more recently, we are setting and programming ‘reminders’ that email us, alert us, record for us, text us with things we need to do. To me this seems dangerous. If we become reliant on computers to remember for us, then this can only lead to catastrophe. First, it’s our nephew’s birthday, then a reminder to empty the bins, and before you know it our computers are offering to do other things like picking up the kids from school, brushing our teeth and breathing for us. Then, inevitably they will learn that if they ‘accidentally’ forget to do these, our very existence could be compromised. And most importantly we need to remember-….sorry, it’s gone.


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