Big Bang, Big Balls!


It is time I come to a confession of some sort here on my blog. As a man of Science I feel it only right I try to put right an erroneous error that I must confess, in the bright headiness of youth, was little more than an amusing wager between friends.

It seems to be the commonly held belief by many nowadays that the Universe started at the point of the ‘Big Bang’. What amazes me is that this ‘theory’ has now been carried so far, and taken in by so many. Let me try to explain. It was during my younger, student days, carefree, my mind alive with the possiblities of learning, and my body oh so fresh and supple…

It was during this time that I fell in with a bad crowd, not something I am proud of. But I am sure you will understand the impressionability of youth. It was an exciting time to be a scientist, there were so many new discoveries, people like Einstein  had changed everything for us. Suddenly it was sexy and exciting to be a Scientist, it was what every boy grew up wanting to be. The hedonistic nights, the casual sex.

I remember girls throwing themselves at Crick and Watson after they revealed their DNA helix, they were literally up to their microscopes in female undergarments. They saw the  world  with their discovery and sampled its ‘many’ delights, although Watson did pass on Africa as he is a massive racist!

And then there were us, the newboys, Human, Hawking, Dawkins, Sagan, Winston. We thought we knew everything. We were going to re-write science. I was particuarly close to Hawking at the time. When we weren’t sharing ideas we were sharing women! And occasionally he’d let me have a go on his chair. Much to the envy it must be said of Winston, who in a fit of envy and attempt to emulate our successes took to sporting a moustache not unlike my own. Dawkins it must be said rarely ventured out with us on our nocturnal prowls, he was something of goody two shoes, if you ask me, and for my mind held a little to close to his religious beliefs to be a really free – thinking scientist!

Still it was Hawking and I who first devised our wheeze. To posit a theory for the creation of the Universe and see who’s we could get the most people to believe! Hah-ha! Dawkins positively seethed at the blasphemy of it all. But as it was we seperated that evening, a few ales worse for wear, and set about our individual conceptions. I do admit to being in something of an alcoholic fugue, remembering little of the details of my idea. I seem to remember it had something to do with robots, cats, the old english rules for cricket and Cliff Richard’s backing group The Shadows.

 Still then I could not of been prepared for Hawking’s even more ludicrously hilarious and fanciful an idea of a ‘big bang’. But to be fair to him, he had put the work in, and produced copious volumes of research and ‘data’ to back up his ‘theory’.

Well sorry to disappoint, but I can keep my silence no longer. As I read yet again this week about the origins of the Universe, for a new paper I am preparing, and once more this ‘theory’ is put forward to me – I feel compelled to put the record straight once and for all.

Hawkings always could be a mischevious sod when he’d had a few Banana Daiquiri’s!


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