The Criminal Mind

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“Bad people are just bad. Or are they? Yes.”

This is how most people think, but they’re wrong. Or are they? Of course.

Because people can change. I may seem a pleasant, emotionally and mentally balanced person now, but I’ll let it be known that in my time, I have killed a man. Well, actually it was a manatee, which is a primitive form of sea mammal, nothing too significant. But the point I’m trying to make is we all have our dark sides.

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Crime is an impossible thing to define. But that’s never stopped me before, so here goes.

From a physical perspective, you can nearly always tell when someone is about to commit a crime – their left (and it is always the left) nostril flares 4 times. This signals the hormone crimonegen (Latin, I think) being released into the central nervous system. Thereby follows a 2-hour window in which the crime will take place, hindered only by a sudden shock or surprise (e.g. being told you were suddenly bankrupt).

Normal people have been known to turn to criminality following the onset of certain hybrid emotions such as ‘jealdom’ (jealousy and boredom), ‘cheery’ (cheeky and worry) and ‘greesement’ (greed and embarrassment). When these compound feelings collectively manifest themselves inside a potential ‘baddie’, all we can do is sit back and wait for the statistics.

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3 Responses to “The Criminal Mind”

  1. I want to ride my bicycle… « HUMANOLOGY Says:

    […] https://professorcharleshuman.wordpress.com/2007/10/17/the-criminal-mind/ […]

  2. CeeCee Gee Says:

    Killing a manate is NOT an insignificant thing: how can you call yourself a humanologist and say that murdering another being is “nothing too significant”?! If humans are to become humane beings(as is our life’s purpose/role), we MUST have respect for all other beings particularly since we’re the ONLY ones able to achieve/do this—as “higher” form of life. It’s criminal for any person(no matter age, gender or status) to abuse, harm and/or kill another being, particularly another person…no matter species or type(of being)! Some OTHER animals are killed as necessity(eg bugs) and for sustenance(ie meat) but still could be called murder since is a choice made by people thus intentional. Protection of earth and other beings is the primary reason for our being(alive) though have greatly failed to do so for most of human existence. We won’t survive as a species until we succeed in making our lives about co-existing on our planet(amongst humans and other animals) specially since we need most other animals[like manates(who eat sea weeds)] to have proper balance in ecosystem thus well-balanced living. NO humane being(aka humanologist) would say that killing another animal isn’t significant especially another mammal who is as innocent & intelligent as human child(which I know as zoologist).
    I found you’re website while doing a search on humanology and have realized it’s a VERY misused word, as you have done plus many others including someone(Bert Oliva) who uses it to describe his how to become wealthy programs/seminars. Humanologists help others to learn about life and understand themselves as a way to become humane beings, not primarily as way to be successful at being person although is secondary benefit. No person will EVER be fulfilled and happy living life that only focuses on desires, needs and/or wants as people[which I’m supposing is what led to you killing a manatee(directly or indirectly)]: it can help us succeed and survive day to day life but will lead to shallow living and sad/sorrowful end. Unfortunately this happens to majority of people which don’t realize nor understand why, like Michael Jackson whose death is basically due to “trappings” of successful life as entertainer.
    Despite having strong innate and intuitive humanistic abilities which should have helped him survive pain(emotional. mental and physical), he was unable to endure life as a person who’s only human because didn’t have the most important ability of all—unconditional empathy for self(though had for others). Achieving and becoming completely empathetic is the most difficult aspect of being humane especially in relation to self; however, it’s the most crucial as will be the most life sustaining(no matter what happens). Humanology is about educating people about life plus learn and understand what/who they are as (humane) “beings” living as people on earth. This will
    have “domino” affect and “ripple” effect throughout life, a must for survival of our species and world…including manatees!

    • professorcharleshuman Says:

      Dear Madam

      I am appalled that you would assume my termination of said manatee was anything less than an act of self-preservation. The event in question took place in the Summer of 2006, when I was holidaying with my then wife in the south of France. As a scientist, I’m never known to be ‘off-duty’ and couldn’t resist spending some of my holiday indulging in a touch of marine biology. I had been warned by the locals of a clear, present and very significant threat to the fishing community: one in the shape of an especially vicious giant manatee – a beast that had already claimed the lives of several innocent fishermen.

      Initially I was sceptical of such a creature’s existence and heartily laughed it off. So despite the constant protests of villagers, I ventured into the dark waters on my quest to observe the mating rituals of the now almost extinct Brown, Horn-rimmed Mediterranean Sand Crab. After literally minutes, I came across a small school of these rare pincered amphibians having sex. My delight in observing the immediate sexual congress of said crabs was short-lived however, when I became quickly aware of a malevolent presence approaching. Without warning, a monstrous aberration of nature, the like of which you’d never believe, was upon me – the manatee! As I stared into this monster’s eyes, I could quickly see it had one thought on its mind: my total destruction. As we wrestled, it was evident that the manatee had the home advantage and this battle for natural selection would’ve ended in his favour had it not been for my desperate flailing for the nearest deadly weapon to hand which turned out to be a passing endangered Brown Horn-rimmed Mediterranean Sand Crab. I did not hesitate to dismember the crustacean and use his claw to my advantage as a lethal blade. As I severed the blubberous beast’s neck, and its black lifeblood oozed out, I saw a momentary look of regret in its eyes. Man-1, Manatee-nil!

      Now tell me Madam whether you still consider my act of self-preservation to have been the wrong decision. For I put it to you that had events that fateful afternoon taken a different turn, I might not be sitting here, responding to your comment now. As a scientist I consider ALL life, be it human or otherwise, a remarkable achievement and take no pleasure in bringing about the violent bloody demise of a fellow creature, except badgers. As an academic however, I must take issue with your appalling misuse of grammar. I can assure you, had you been a student of my institute such tardiness accepted would not have been.

      You also lay claim to my misunderstanding of the term ‘humanology’ and accuse me of misusing it at will. Being that my name is Professor Charles HUMAN, don’t you think that this alone makes me the very authority of all things human? I come from a long line of humans and interact with humans on a daily basis. I am human. And in the interests of science, I’ve even slept with some humans. Whereas a zoo keeper such as yourself might find more in common with a lowly insignificant chimp. Class dismissed.

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